A year spent biding my time, a year spent in uncertainty. It is thrilling to go out into the world and check out a new continent, but finding a way to be content while staying in the same place has been hard.
I dreamt that I was flying throughout the Grand Canyon at sunset, taking pictures with a disposable camera, everything illuminated in fiery shades of orange and pink, I dreamt that my naked body was turning into canyons, I dreamt I was preparing to go on 20 hour plane rides across the world, that I was running races through woods filled with spiders.
Awake, I think about the Grand Canyon on bus rides going through urban sprawl and I feel like I’ll burst. I’m always bursting for so many things.
Bursting to feel too much again, to be overwhelmed. To eat sandwiches on mountaintops, to have adventures, to have the clarity of mind that only comes with spending the night together in a bus depot, rain soaked and exhausted, and waking up to a note on your lap— “I think you’re wonderful”.
Wanderlust may just be the urge to keep moving so you can’t be anywhere long enough to have the ability to screw things up.
if you only have the things on your back, and cheap crap you buy to tide you over–
then putting your new phone through the washing machine is no big,
you have no car to destroy,
and everyone is just a passing acquaintance and you don’t get the chance to disappoint them.
I think I’ve missed the simple relief of being able to leave.
I need meaning and honesty and adventure in my every day life. I know I need to discover how to actively create that for myself.
I asked someone whose opinion I respect, how did she pick what route to go; how did she determine what was gratifying and meaningful? When do you know when it’s worth it to push through difficulty, and when do you cut your losses and leave? When do you start over?
She said, “In all the ideas and experiments: what qualities, elements, activities, aptitudes, and environments keep happening (even without explicit planning) and “where” do I have a feeling of being/coming home? Then, I try to do more things that deliver that.”
Traveling for me was
constantly being overcome by the vast, strange, dazzlingly beautiful world, feeling everything too much, feeling really overwhelmed by the sheer enormity, the possibility, and my tiny part in it
I’ve got to try to practice content
I’ve got to try to learn to love wherever I am.
I’ve got to try to grow roots, I’ve got to try to create a home for myself.
I will most likely just need to be in the mountains for a while, get the bad taste of this year out of my mouth, and then return home in the fall.